Monday, April 23, 2018

Hideous!, Mutants and a Topless Gorilla

It is the most off-beat heist scenes ever put on film. Picture this...on a snow covered Pennsylvania road a beautiful slut, topless, with leather hot-pants, and disguised with a gorilla mask robs a French man, at gunpoint of a mutant fetus. Yep, this is a Charles Band epic...1997's "Hideous!" There is something so right about that scene...what?  Who knows.
The crew at a sewage treatment plant finds a grotesque fetus mixed in with human waste. This monstrosity ends up in the hands of fetus broker Belinda (Tracie May). She arranges to sell the ugly thing to fetus collector Napoleon Lazar (Mel Jackson, Jr.). This infuriates the mad-scientist, Dr. Lorca (Michael Citriniti), who covets the thing for his collection. The blonde skank receptionist, Elvina (Rhonda Griffin) tips Lorca off and the aforementioned heist is arranged. With Lorca in possession of this mutant fetus, Belinda and Lazar hire private eye Kantor (Jerry O'Donnell)  to retrieve the thing.
After getting the sultry Elvina to confess, this quartet heads over to Lorca's castle to retrieve the goods. Uh oh...the fetus wasn't dead.  The mutated thing not only busts out of its specimen jar, but is able to animate three other mutant fetuses.  Now the four fiends are loose in Lorca's castle.
Unbeknownst to the humans, the fiends begin to communicate and get smarter. As the humans bicker, and the constantly topless Sheila (Jacqueline Lovell), the one with the gorilla mask, then holds Kantor, Belinda, and Elvina at gunpoint before locking them up. Discovering his fetuses are missing, Lorca desperately tries to find them. The monsters are growing in intellect...and libido...quickly and they begin to move on the humans. The skank Elvina will be sexually assaulted in what some may consider a tasteless scene, and her demise will be heartbreaking...at least to the lovelorn fetus that assaulted her. With the fetuses gaining in smarts, and the humans bickering, the advantage would appear to go to the monsters.
With Elvina gone, will the horny fetus accost either Belinda or Sheila? What do the mutants have in mind for their mad-scientist captor, Lorca? Will Sheila, the skank with the leather hot-pants, ever put a top on? This is a fun one and the gratuitous scenes will warm the heart.  The slimy mutants are creepy and revolting and their desire for beautiful women is right out of a Roger Corman work. For some intellectual entertainment, ripped out of today's headlines, enjoy "Hideous!"

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Daylight's End, Vampires Do Dallas

Dallas is overrun, but fear not. The Dallas Police Department is still protecting and serving. Even better, guess who their chief is? Lance Henriksen! When vampires overtake your city, this is the guy you want fighting for you! Hence 2016's "Daylight's End." Fans of "The Walking Dead" (Season 1) and "The Road Warrior" will love this one. Hordes of vampires, well armed survivors, and plenty of machine guns...YES!!!
Three years ago a plague wiped out the world. Plague? Yep, turned most people into vampires (perhaps this plot device alone provides all the social commentary we need). Dallas' only survivors have fortified themselves into the DPD headquarters. Along comes Rourke (Johnny Strong). A Mad Max type guy who hails from New York. He has been killing vampire hordes ever since the plague took his wife. After several cops are ambushed by human scum, Rourke saves the very pretty Samantha (Chelsea Edmundson). Sam brings Rourke back to the DPD and the chief doesn't trust him. Uh oh...the vampires attack every night, but lately they are organized and led by an alpha-vampire (Krzysztof Sorzynski). The survivors have a plan to caravan to a working airplane and fly to a survival colony in Baja.  Rourke has a different plan.
Rourke believes the destruction of the alpha will destroy the vampire horde. The horde dwells in an old hotel, and Rourke wants to raid it and kill the alpha. The chief doesn't have enough faith in his new drifter pal to go along with him. As the vampires find ways into the DPD, and survivors start getting eaten, they better do something fast. Uh oh...the alpha seems to recognize Rourke, and he him...or it. The two seem to have a history and the alpha and Rourke are headed for a showdown...Texas style.
Will Rourke prevail against the alpha-monster? Is the plan to fly an airplane to Baja as stupid as it sounds? Will Sam and Rourke hook-up, or is Sam destined to be a vampire bride? Where is all this ammo coming from, three years after the apocalypse? Directed by William Kaufman, "Daylight's End" is an action-packed, shoot 'em up man versus vampire horde film.  For those of us ruing the demise of "The Walking Dead," enjoy this flick which captures all the good which originally endeared us to that show.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Lake Fear 3, The Thing meets The Evil Dead

Michael and Gerald Crum would have been my best buddies in the 80s. We obviously loved the same films. "John Carpenter's The Thing," "Poltergeist," "The Evil Dead," "Paranormal Activity," "The Blair Witch Project" all come to life in this year's "Lake Fear 3." I'm going to have to view this one again as I know I have missed some references. This writer/ director combo deliver us a maniacal demon, guts spewing, bloodbath of terror...just the way we like it.
We first meet Remi (Joshua Winch) in a scene that will make fans of "The Thing" cheer...think the CPR scene. Like many of us, Remi is always covered with human guts (usually someone else's) and in bad need of an adult beverage.  Its apparent that these demons are pursuing him, endangering everyone he meets.  He is...well...a poor man's Ash (...think "The Evil Dead"). Enter the ravishing, blonde Revel (Shanon Snedden). The buxom, nubile babe is hitting the streets looking for her sister who went missing two years ago. Look fast as Revel won't be ravishing too much longer. Accompanying her is a sultry brunette, Chloe (KateLynn E. Newberry). As Revel's BFF, Chloe worries that her pal's obsession may lead to bad stuff...it will. With no clues as to the sister's whereabouts, the babe-duo come across Vincent (Devi Khajishvili)...think Syfy's Jonathan Edwards. The gals hope this TV personality/fraud can contact the other side to get a line on the sister's whereabouts.
This now trio will hit a bar for an adult beverage and a poor man's seance. Too bad for them as it is the same establishment Remi shows up...thus, all of his demon pursuers, as well. After some shotgun carnage, Revel is overtaken by a demon and all her beauty is replaced by bloody horror. Now Revel tries to eat Chloe and Vincent. A bit slow on the uptake, Remi saves the two survivors and flees. This new trio is now pursued by Revel, who wants to eat more of Chloe...okay, I'm not going to say, "...and who wouldn't?" Vincent and Chloe get some bad news from the mysterious drifter, he has a plan to get rid of the pursuing demons. Of course Remi's plan will be fraught with blood-spattering danger and bring our good peeps face to face with angrier demons.
What follows is a war against the ungodly. Will our trio survive their demon tormentors? Will Chloe remain a babe and avoid being digested by her former BFF? Will Remi enjoy the good fortune, if you can call it that, which Ash enjoyed in "The Evil Dead"? Guts will fly, faces will be ripped off, appendages will turn into slimy monsters! Enjoy "Lake Fear 3," and count the number of homages to classic horror films which appear on the screen.     

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Dark House, Psyche Issues in a Haunted House

The haunted house! Add in some great looking young actors and actresses, a bunch of complicated computer technology, some malignant ghosts...and yes, a proclivity for making bad decisions and we have 2009's "Dark House." As light and playful as this film could have been, instead director Darin Scott gives us a dark and ominous gore-fest. Oh yes...this film stars Jeffrey Combs.
Many years ago Mrs. Darrode (Diane Salinger) murders her seven foster kids and shoves her own arm into a garbage disposal to commit suicide. The bodies are discovered by a little girl who entered the home on a dare. 14 years later, that little girl Claire (Meghan Ory) is grown up and seeking heavy psychological help for depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc. Her discovery many years ago has left her a mess, and suicidal. Claire is part of an advanced acting class which gets hired by show-man Walston Ray (Combs). Ray has opened up haunted houses all around the country (sort of a demented Walt Disney). His newest venture is the Darrode house. Claire is certain that facing her fears, or a return to the horrible events in her past, will cure her of her psychological maladies (...yeah right!). She doesn't tell anyone that she has been in the house before, convinced there is no danger.
Combs has hired the cast to assume roles in the haunted house. Claire will be the horror guide, entrusted with touring some reporters through the attractions. The house is equipped with a complicated computer system that generates horrific holograms to torment visitors. Oh oh! Ghosts don't have a sense of humor an they take over the computer and now instead of holographic images, the scares will be from ticked-off ghosts of murdered children and Mrs. Darrode, herself. The actors and actresses will die quite horribly one by one. An iron maiden, a mad scientist's acid, and a monsters long fingernails will dispose of some of the cast. Meanwhile, Walston, seeing his investment plummet, thinks up ways to make the carnage work for him. As the ghosts whittle down the living, Claire has an opportunity to really face her fears from 14 years ago.
Do the ghosts and Mrs. Darrode have something special planned for Claire? Will Walston be able to exploit the carnage that is unfolding before his eyes? Will either Claire or Walston, or any of the other actors or actresses survive this night of terror? Perhaps "Dark House" is a metaphor for the dangers we all face relying too heavily on computer technology. More likely, however, this film is a modern day haunted house film utilizing gore and an attractive cast to deliver thrills and chills. For a neat Jeffrey Combs horror film, enjoy "Dark House." 

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Gorgo, The Fall of London

Very sad! I just read that for the first time ever London has a higher homicide rate than New York City. No...New York isn't improving...rather, London is tanking. A once great city with a heroic identity.  Winston Churchill...Queen Elizabeth...Sherlock Holmes. The noble have given way to evil criminals. Perhaps a good metaphor for the fall of London is 1961's "Gorgo." In this epic, London is destroyed, along with the British military.
Joe (Bill Travers) and Sam (William Sylvester) have a pretty good gig going. They operate a salvage vessel. While diving and salvaging off the Irish coast they run afoul of a Gaelic town. The locals don't want them salvaging all the gold just off the shores. No matter, after a volcanic eruption, a 65 foot tall dinosaur monster runs amok through the town. Many will die. Joe and Sam make the town an offer they can't refuse...for a portion of their spoils, the salvage duo will rid them of the behemoth. These guys are too much and ask themselves how much a live dinosaur would be worth in London? Yep, you guessed it, they pull a "King Kong" and capture the giant and haul him to the city and sell it to a circus.
The monster sells out every night, but the poor Londoners get some bad news. This thing is only a baby and mom is on her way! Mom is 200 feet tall and goes through the navy like crap through a goose. Up the Thames like a slick John Thomas up a business girl, and now it contends with the British army. No contest! As Londoners are crushed and retreating into subways, Gorgo searches for its 65 foot offspring. As Big Ben and The Tower of London are destroyed, mom seeks son and anyone in between will be stepped on.
With the military gone, is there any hope of stopping Gorgo from sacking London? Is this 1961 film a sage foretelling of the decline of London? Is there anything wrong in cheering for the monsters in films like these? Not quite "Godzilla," "Gorgo is still a lot of fun. The cheesy effects are actually pretty good. For a very entertaining monster movie in which Tokyo isn't the victim, enjoy "Gorgo," directed by Eugene Lourie.

Friday, April 13, 2018

Angel: Black Angel, Nymphomaniacs and the Men They Love

How do you know if you have married a nymphomaniac? If, while driving away from the church on your wedding day, the lovely bride, clad in a white gown, satisfies you orally while the two of you are speeding down the highway. This may come as a surprise to many of you, but on occasion, this doesn't end well. Ecstasy and orgasm one moment and a split second later....BOOM!!! Head on collision. Hence our film today, from Italy 1989's "Angel: Black Angel" (aka "Arabella l'Angelo Nero").
The sultry Arabella (Tini Cansino) is a nymphomaniac. We first meet her attending a wild orgy in an abandoned mansion. She is ravaged by a couple of guys during a threesome and a cop who should have been arresting her. Arabella is leading a secret sex life as her husband Frank (Francesco Casale) is confined to a wheelchair after the wedding day collision. She has needs and he can't meet them. The cop who raped her at the orgy finds Arabella and blackmails her into having sex on the mansion grounds. Frank sees this and is turned on, and inspired. Watching his hot wife in the throes of passion rids Frank of his writer's block and he sends her out on deviant trysts. In return, Arabella reports all the sordid details to him when she returns, which he compiles for his next book.
Uh oh! The men Arabella has weird sex with end up castrated by a scissors and gutted. On the case is the sultry Inspector Gina (Valentina Visconti). She is beautiful and has a really hot lesbian lover. Uh oh, the beautiful lover, Agnese (Rena Niehaus) betrays and humiliates Gina. Agnese will slap her silly in a cat-fight and dump her superior (Agnese is one of Gina's detectives). Can you guess Agnese's fate? Right, a scissors up her...well, you know.  Now Gina is the number one suspect and to clear her name she must find the real killer. As Gina is led to Arabella and her household she will either solve the case or end up skewered by a rusty scrap-booking implement.
Could our nympho-babe, Arabella, also be the killer? Is Frank's book destined for the bestseller list in either the fiction or 'how to' sections? Will Gina and Arabella engage in a deadly cat-fight or end up in a passionate love scene? Sordid and deviant, there is nudity on the screen in about 44 of this film's 88 minutes. Fans of Giallo will figure out the surprise ending but the arousal factor will make up for that. For a great cinematic experience that you won't mention in polite company, enjoy "Angel: Black Angel," directed by Stelvio Massi.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Death Truck, Carnage and Gratuitous Nudity in a Comic

SCREEEECH! A monster truck! AIEEEEEHHHH! Families torn apart, limb from limb! WHOOOOOAAA! A demented lesbian mechanic and her stripper lover! Horror fans seeking blood red carnage and gratuitous nudity and sex...Paul PJ Johnson has made a graphic novel for all of us..."Death Truck." As the creator, writer, and illustrator, Mr. Johnson takes us on a 120 page ride which screams sex and violence the whole time as horror and science fiction blend. For those of us who loved 1974's "Killdozer" as children, we now have a vicious Rated R version to shock us adults.
Where did it come from? You'll find out, and the answer is wild. In the meantime a killer truck is plowing through Texas. Destruction and mayhem, and homicide is its only goal and anyone in its way, the more innocent the better, is torn apart by this mechanical fiend. Motorcyclists, joyriders, and families just getting out of church are torn limb from limb in very gory fashion. Enter our nymphomaniac-lesbian Cat...a tough mechanic with a stripper GF. Tough as nails, and just what the truck needs. In addition to the carnage, this thing possesses Cat and puts her at the wheel. No longer a lesbian nympho mechanic, but now the driver of a horrific mechanized beast. Oh yeah...the demented General Claymore. We have to give this General Patton wannabe credit...he wants the truck. His goal is capture and then...I guess use it as his own weapon. Under total control of the truck, Cat drives the thing through Texas and won't stop until everyone is dead.
What is this thing and why is it doing such horrible things to the Lone Star State? The answers come in the second half of the comic. Enter a weird escaped mass murderer with a mysterious knowledge of the devil.  As Cat and the machine leave a trail of blood, guts, and bodies across the red landscape, her only salvation may be the mysterious fiend who might be a mass child murderer. As our general, and the cops close in on this travesty, Cat and her pursuer may be the only hope to save mankind from a truck that makes Killdozer look like Thomas the Tank Engine. No spoilers here, but what unfolds will be gratuitous (in nudity and gore) and unrelenting.
Paul PJ Johnson has created a vicious and blood splattered graphic novel that earns a hard Rated R (just the way we like 'em). The artistry captures the violence and horror...and of course the blood, so well. Everything in this world is loud, including the sex and nudity which match the blood and severed limbs in intensity. The ending is shocking and the reveal is one that will make you gasp. Nothing in this story will be easy, including the fate of our nympho-heroine...be ready to wince. For some violent and gory artwork which tells a great exploitation horror-scifi story, read Mr. Johnson's "Death Truck."